My Church is SO Anointed That . . .

On the lighter side . . .

  • Even the self-appointed tambourine player in the back plays tastefully on tempo.
  • Everyone really IS dancing when we get to the bridge of “I Could Sing of Your Love Forever”.
  • Our heavenly portals are so big, you don’t have to go to the front of the church to get in.
  • The wooshing sound you hear IS NOT the pastor blowing into the mic.
  • Cars in the parking lot leak anointing oil.
  • Cyclists avoid our block because their chains keep on breaking.
  • We’ve removed our nursing mother’s room. Our babies eat meat.
  • When the strongman sees us coming, he ties himself up to save time.
  • We have a  balcony for the angels and orbs to sit in.
  • We have an ESL class for people whose first language is tongues.
  • We ARE the 8th mountain of culture.
  • The demons in our sound system have left and moved in to yours.
  • Money doesn’t “cometh” to us, we print our own.
  • Gold bricks instead of dust hit us and slay us in the spirit.

Adapted, expanded, and reposted by permission, Jeremie Karan and David Moore.

4 comments on “My Church is SO Anointed That . . .

  1. My wife and I couldn’t stop laughing last night when we talked about his.
    I think you just described the church we left back in 2006.
    I guess we’ve been out of the third-wave loop for a little while because some of the lingo has gone over my head. We heard a lot about portals, gold dust, and supernatural gemstones – but I don’t have a clue what orbs or ESL are 🙂

  2. Love the Gold Bricks one ….too funny!!!

    Here’s three more:

    -Every Christmas our Shofar Ensemble puts on a special presentation of Handel’s Messiah.
    -We only had to march around our promised future property FOUR times.
    -When we hosted a military funeral we turned Taps in to an upbeat Jewish song and danced with flags and banners for 45 minutes.(David Moore)

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