Your Local Coffee Shop is a Hotbed of Heresy – by A. S. Damick

Here’s some humor for all the geeky theologian wonks and nerds out there! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

Your local coffeehouse may be a hotbed of heresy. Check the following list and see how yours measures up.

  • Decaf is Docetic because it only appears to be coffee.
  • Instant is Apollinarian because it’s had its soul removed and replaced.
  • Frappuccinos are essentially a form of Monophysitism, having their coffee nature swallowed up in milkshake.
  • Chicory is Arian, not truly coffee at all but a separate creation.
  • Irish coffee is Nestorian, being two natures conjoined solely by good will.
  • Nitro coffee (coffee + Red Bull) is Montanist, having a form of godliness but denying its power.
  • Affogato is Adoptionist, being merely topped with espresso.
  • The Café Bombón is Sabellian, appearing at some points to be foam, at others coffee and at others sweetened condensed milk.
  • The Caffè Americano is a form of Unitarian Universalism, being so watered down so as not even to qualify as coffee.
  • The Café miel violates Canon 57 of the Council in Trullo, “for it is not right to offer honey and milk” in one’s coffee.
  • The Cafe Mocha (espresso + steamed milk + chocolate) is syncretic and polytheist, for it presumes to adulterate coffee with another nation’s gods.
  • The Doppio (espresso + espresso) is Monothelite, permitting only one will to dominate.
  • WHAT IS AN EGGNOG LATTE I DON’T EVEN.
  • Half-Caf is another form of Adoptionism, being a hybrid of disparate natures.
  • The Pharisäer (drip coffee + 2 shots rum + whipped cream) is nothing but sheer Antinomianism.
  • The Red Eye (drip coffee + 1 shot espresso) is Ebionite, for it would swallow up pure faith in the Law.
  • A rigorist exclusivism for Fair Trade Coffee is a form of Donatism, insisting that only sinless hands may produce a true beverage.
  • “Coffee is bad for you”: The watchwords of the Iconoclast.
  • The fellow who just keeps adding sugar to his over-roasted Pike’s Peak[*] is surely a Pelagian.

Here endeth the caffeination. Ite, caffe est.

By Rev. Fr. A. S. Damick, reposted from http://orthodoxyandheterodoxy.org/2013/12/31/coffeedoxy-and-heterodoxy/

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By Stephen Crosby Posted in Humor

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